Wednesday, February 11, 2015

What Do Black Women want from Black Men in relationships?

I read an article in the February issue of Essence magazine written by Tony Gaskins, Jr. titled What Makes a Black Man Say I Do? This article raised many questions for me and inspired the current topic.  In his article, Mr. Gaskins gives his valid qualities that will make a black man say "I Do" based on his relationship experience and what made him say I do to his wife.  It is a beautiful article that gives women advice from a man's perspective.  After all, it is the man who chooses his wife and not the other way around.  We are his missing rib and we are to be his compliment and partner.  Without going into detail what each quality consist of  that Mr. Gaskins discussed in his article at

Mr. Gaskin's qualities in a woman that will make a black man say I Do:
  • She is Whole
  • She is Confident
  • She is not Confrontational
  • She is Authentic
  • She is Driven
  • She is not Easy
  • She is Aligned
Photo Credits: Facebook & Corbis

I thought about those qualities that he listed and I must admit that I have heard some black men mention these qualities above as what they look for in a woman that they can make their wife.  However, if you were a woman reading the article for the first time, you might have said "ouch" to one or two qualities listed above. For instance, he talked about being authentic which consisted of not wearing a weave or extensions.  He basically says allow your natural beauty to show instead of putting on a mask is my interpretation.  Another example, he talked about not being easy which consisted of respecting yourself and valuing your body.  Again, know who you are and respect your body by not laying down with every man that you date.  Finally, he talked about being confrontational of which it seems it only takes a few to label an entire ethnicity as confrontational.  Not all black women are confrontational, but I do get his point.  He gave a good example about being argumentative if your partner didn't agree with you.  We all have our opinions and we should respect each others beliefs. 

Do I agree with his qualities that make a black man say yes?  Yes, I agree with them all except for being authentic because a black woman can be authentic even with a weave.  It's how you love yourself, value your self worth, and how a black woman defines her natural beauty. 

Meanwhile, I decided to ask my audience which consist of 90% women the question, What do black women want from black men in a relationship that would lead to marriage?  Their list has some similarities in qualities that would make a Black man say I do. 

Below is my list compiled based on my audience feedback:
  • He is Driven
  • He is Loyal/Faithful/Honest
  • He has Stability/Employed
  • He is Confident
  • He has a Vision & He Inspires you
  • He is Whole
  • He is a Comforter/Provider/Supportive
  • He has Purpose (Alignment)
  • He shows Growth and not afraid to growth
  • He is open for Growth & Prosperity and not stagnant
  • He is not afraid to communicate his feelings
  • He cares about his health and spiritual being
  • He will take your good, your bad side, and accept you for who you are
 Bottom line is that Black Love does exist and some of the qualities are shared between black men and Black women.  After comparing the two list and reading the article again, it raised the question.  Are we as Black Women wanting our qualities to already be there in a Black Man during the dating process?  Or can some of the qualities be nurtured and developed over the course of the relationship?